More than Enough

I sold six books in the past week on half.com, and I'm so glad I decided to put more up for sale last week. Now, sales will probably die off, but hey, every little bit helps.

I've been reading Dr. Phil's book, "Life Strategies." I know that a lot of people dismiss him as just another pop psychologist, but I like his candor and honesty. I think that is why he has such a following. In the book, he talks about how you are responsible for ALL your choices. You are not a "victim," even if you've been abused or whatever. Yes, you did not choose to be abused, but you choose your reactions to it now. Life is to be managed, not cured, he says. I am only about halfway through it, but so far, it has helped me see how I've chosen to think with certain thought patterns, and how I choose to wallow in self-pity instead of doing something to improve my state of mind.

Well, I admit I knew all that already. I do choose to wallow in self-pity a lot. Sometimes, the feelings have to be let out, or else they circle in my brain like vicious vultures, biding their time. A strange thing happened, though, when I was reading the book. It was like he validated my feelings by saying I chose to feel that way. It was okay to let go of them now. Isn't that stupid?

But also, I am making a real, conscious decision to be more active, rather than passive, in my life. I have spent my whole life being the good girl, the person who doesn't take any risks and does what everyone else does or what is expected of her. I am tired of living that way. Living that way is killing me. Living that way is draining me. I am tired of trying to keep up with the Joneses and live above my means--that is what is truly draining me.

You read this and think, "yeah, everybody knows that," and it's true: I knew subconsciously what patterns of behavior I was following. I ignored the consequences of spending too much or whatever. I preferred that feeling of satisfaction I got when I bought something, even something little. That feeling would overshadow the buyer's remorse I usually got afterward.

I could blame my mom for pushing me along the road of recreational shopping, but I won't. I choose to go shopping instead of finding a satisfying hobby or finding another way to fulfill my time. I justify my spending by saying it doesn't matter because somehow the money situation will work out, and it usually does. I'm just tired of feeling drained because my resources are not where I'd like them to be.

We have more than enough stuff.